i
I started out without “I”. It was “we”; when we lost “we” “I” became,
but “we” wasn’t forgotten. I found “we” still existed when “I” felt the need to
become obsolete – useless. I started out as “we”.
ii
“We” was expendable to me. It never described me or defined me. It was a
concept that I could toss around in the air, if I dropped it then it didn’t
matter, I could pick it up again. I was always I, with “we” stuck in the middle
somewhere. It didn’t matter where, just as long as it was there…somewhere.
i
We used to have conversations – we used to talk. That changed. You
separated us. You needed to be free, you said. You said, “I need to be free.” I
wondered when I need to be free became “I” needs to be free.
ii
Exploration. Adventure. I craved those words, their definitions, their
synonyms – I craved them. Freedom wasn’t liberation to me, it was air. The kind
that made branches twist and turn, and ripped flowers from the ground. When I
said I needed freedom, I said “I need to be free,” but I meant “I” needs to be free.
i
Where do I stand? Where does “I”? I told her, I said, “go.” I said,
“go.” And I said it straight, and I said it strong, and I lied through my teeth
when I said, “go.” She went. “Freedom,” she said, “freedom,” and I said, “go.”
She went.
ii
I wasn’t meant to stay forever; I had always meant to come back, but
somewhere I lost track of time. What I saw amazed me, the life I had tasted – I
could breathe, and it burned. I don’t know when I decided to stay, but I did.
He said, “go,” and I went. I’d always meant to go back, but I didn’t know how
to anymore.
___________________________________________________________________
“How are you?” It’s been so long.
“Happy.” I decided to
stay.
“Happy?” You’ve forgotten “we.”
“Happy.” “We” was expendable.
“I’m glad for you.” I was
expendable, you mean?
“Thanks.” You were
expendable.
“You’re welcome.” I know.
“Well, I’ll see ya around.” I’m
sorry.
“…” I know.
___________________________________________________________________
i
When I watch you go I feel it slipping away, I feel it…and then I don’t.
It’s not tangible anymore, I can’t grasp it, or hold it, or clutch it. Instead
I claw at it, I scream at it, I scratch and gnaw and clamber after it. “We” is
gone.
Where are you? I often wonder. Is it good there? Is it home there? Where
are you, Love? I know you’re not home, but I’ll be here, waiting, waiting,
waiting. And watching as you wander through paradise and I sit outside, I
realize that I loved you…but you, you’re in paradise.
ii
Someday, someday I’ll go back. Someday this will become boring and I’ll
go back. I’ll go back home. This place is big, but it’ll get boring and then
I’ll go home. Because home isn’t lonely, it isn’t wide and huge and wonderful.
It isn’t, but it is. Someday I’ll go back there…someday, perhaps.
___________________________________________________________________
“You’re back?” I loved you, did you know?
“Home is home.” …
“Right.” You can’t pick me
back up again.
“I’d always meant to come back.” No?
“How was it?” I lost it.
“Paradise.” So did I.
“Yeah.” You won’t find it
again, you lost it in paradise.
“Yeah.” I’ll find it at
home.
“I’ll see ya around, then.” Not in me. I loved you, you know, but
you won’t find it in me.
“Yeah, see you.” Oh.
___________________________________________________________________
This is beautiful; it made me cry.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you liked it!
Deletehey girl...this is Vivian(the Chinese girl and I now changed my name to Chloe),hope u still remember.
ReplyDeleteI entered here by accident...reading pages at Twitter and passing my eyes on your profile.
Your plume is beautiful; and I want to tell u secretly, that I've the same feeling about writing with u. :)
Hello! Of course I remember you! Chloe is a really cute name :) I hope you're doing well. I'm glad you stumbled onto my blog by accident, it's always fun to talk to a fellow writer! :)
Delete