Friday, November 19, 2010

Choose


     It wasn’t as if I chose it, it was there before I could stop it. I didn’t mean for it to take over, it wasn’t supposed to be like this…to end like this. We were supposed to go on being something, but I didn’t know, I swear I didn’t know!
     It was in my mouth before I could taste, but I could sense it from years ago. It created my essence; it disclosed my secrets.
     “Don’t be that way, don’t be that way,” I told you over and over. “Don’t touch me please, don’t touch me please,” but you would never listen. You tore me apart day after day, night after night. You ate me up like a dog; you licked my wounds and made me heal only to cut me to pieces again. You left me lying shattered on the floor.
    


     I didn’t choose it, I didn’t choose it, I swear I didn’t choose it!



     You. You were supposed to be wonderful, we were meant to be beautiful. There was supposed to be peace. There was supposed to be happiness, but there wasn’t. What was there? I wanted to know, I swear I wanted to know!
     I willingly accepted your sugary words, your candy-covered lies. I wished there was a way to stop it I wish there was.
     “Let me leave, let me leave,” I begged you every day. “Please not that, please not that,” but you never let me go. You came at me again and again intention to hurt glinting in your eyes, like the moonlight shining off of the pocket watch that signaled the end of that tortuous hour. That hour….



     I didn’t choose it, I didn’t choose it, I swear I didn’t choose it!



*



     I imagined age would come like a bird and fly me into “old” like a song being lifted to the wind, but you wouldn’t let it. You always had to have your way, you always, always had to have your way!
     I hated the way you laughed when you heard my screams. I hated the way your snarl turned into a smirk when you saw my tears.
     “Don’t play with me, don’t play with me!” I yelled when you tried to say “sorry”. “Please no more, please no more,” but it went straight to your lips again. Straight back and up and down your throat it flowed.



     I didn’t choose it, I didn’t choose it, I swear I didn’t choose it!



     My parents said you were handsome and that you were quite a catch, but you proved them wrong with your way, your stupid, stupid way. You always, always had to have your way.
     I tried to be sympathetic, to be helpful to you, I did! But I’m tired of playing the simpering fool every time you come back.
     “I wish you wouldn’t, I wish you wouldn’t,” I held your painful hands. “Please don’t, just please don’t,” but again it went back and straight up and down your throat it flowed.
    

     
     I didn’t choose it, I didn’t choose it, I swear I didn’t choose it!



*



     It’s time now, it’s time and they’re lowering you down. I hear the people whispering and wish I wasn’t here, but I had to see it through. I had to hear the scoffers and gossips I had to. I had to see it through, to see it all the way through.
     I wish they’d let me throw the dirt or to have nailed the last board down, but they said it wasn’t right. Since when have I ever cared for right?
     “It’s over now, it’s over now,” I whisper to myself. “It’s over now, it’s over now,” I break every single blasted bottle.



     I didn’t choose it, I didn’t choose it, I swear I didn’t choose it!



     There’s snow on the ground and it’s not littered with red. The snow covers you up and I’m thankful to be rid of seeing you. I’m thankful that your gone and that every reminder of you is covered up with spotless snow, I’m just so thankful that your gone, so bloody thankful that your gone!
     I don’t take care of the place; I don’t want to see it. I let the leaves rot on it and I let the bugs fester. I don’t take care of the place.
     “Free at last, free at last,” I sing to myself quietly. “No more pain, no more pain,” your vices and bottles, your pocket watch and intentions, you, you’re all gone. I weep on your grave for the things you did to me, and the things you left me with. I hate you for leaving me, I hate you for not providing. I hate your bottles and vices, your intentions and your pocket watch. You.



     I didn’t choose it, I didn’t choose it, I swear I didn’t choose it!





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